We know conversations about pornography can be awkward for you and your child, so how do you broach the topic? Here are some of Relation-Shift’s tips & scripted phrases you can use to address 7 specific questions that may come up!
We have curated these guides using peer-reviewed research that considers children’s emotional, cognitive, and physical development. Though we have organized our scripts into three age-buckets: elementary, middle, and high school, we acknowledge that you know your child and their needs best. We hope that you can pull inspiration from these guides when approaching the sticky issue of pornography in the best way for your family.
How do I define pornography in an age-appropriate way?
Elementary School Students:
“Pornography is pictures or movies of people with little or no clothes on. These people are paid money to do private things and show their private parts like their penis, vagina, and/or breasts.*”
*The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests teaching children the names of their private parts, just as they learn the names of other body parts. This teaches them that while these areas are private, they can still talk openly about them, especially if issues arise.
Middle School Students:
“Pornography is the portrayal of explicit (offensive/graphic) sexual content for the purpose or intent of causing sexual arousal. It shows up in videos, photos, animations, books, and magazines.”
High School Students:
“Pornography is the portrayal of explicit sexual content for the purpose or intent of causing sexual arousal. In these images and videos, bodies are often commodified for the purpose of making a financial profit. The most lucrative means of distribution is through the internet. This means that pornography is available nearly anytime, anywhere via smartphones, tablets, and computers.”
How do I even start the conversation?
Elementary School Students:
Pornography is found on and offline. It is important to talk about the diverse ways in which kids can be exposed.
Starting with online pornography and graphic images, we know that many, if not all kids, enjoy the time they spend online on the internet, on phones, tablets, and computers. Therefore, to start the conversation about online pornography, you can start with questions about their media usage:
Do you like playing with technology?
What are some fun ways you use technology?
Following their responses, remind them that “the internet has good things, but also has not so good things. Pornography is one of the not so good things.”
They are also likely to see offline pornography, for example in advertisements on T.V., magazines, or billboards. When this happens and they see people with little or no clothes on, ask them questions.
Have you ever seen an ad like that?
How did it make you feel?
A great ending to conversations like these includes reassurance that in the face of these distressing, hard to talk about images, your child has your love and support: “Anywhere that you see these images, I want you to know that I am always here to talk about them with you.”
Middle and High School Students:
Ask your tweens and teens questions about their experience with pornography in order to understand their perspective and potential misconceptions.
Have you ever seen pornography before?
When was the first time you saw pornography? What was your reaction?
What do you know about it?
What are your friends talking about in regard to pornography?
How do I explain why pornography should be avoided?
Elementary School Students:
“Pornography disrespects people, especially women. People in these images and videos do not treat women like they are important and should be treated nicely or with love.”
You can follow this up by:
Asking your child questions like,
“Is this the way you think girls should be treated?”
“How do you treat the girls in your life?”
or Stating your family’s values like,
“In our family, we treat people the way we want to be treated.”
“We respect women.”
“Seeing people in little or no clothes can look weird, maybe gross. These images can make a lot of people feel upset or uncomfortable.”
You can follow this up by:
Asserting family values like,
“In our family we keep certain parts of our bodies private, like your penis/vagina/breasts.”
“Our family does not look at or share these images with anyone.”
Middle School Students:
“Pornography does not represent real love or intimacy.”
The people in online films are paid actors
These actors are being told what to do. They have to act like they are enjoying themselves, even if they are not.
These actors are kind of like stunt actors in normal movies. They are often doing things normal people don’t do so that they can make people pay attention. Sex in real life does not look like this and it isn’t meant to.
Sex in real life is about shared experience and love. Pornography does not mention the deep emotions associated with the intimate act of sharing your body with someone.
“Pornography depicts a lot of violence against women.”
Men are often dominating and aggressive towards women in a way that is degrading.
Pornography does not mention the use of birth control and/or STD prevention, which are essential decisions women are entitled to make for themselves for the sake of their health and sense of control over their own bodies.
“Pornography showcases altered and distorted bodies.”
Most men and women do not look like actors in pornography. Their bodies are manipulated to look a certain way using lighting, makeup, video production, and other technological effects.
Many body parts are artificially enhanced, including both breasts and/or penises. They should not be compared to your own body because they are unnatural and unattainable without drugs, surgery, or digital editing.
Puberty is a difficult transitionary period where bodies are developing. Consuming this content often results in unwarranted, negative self-worth and body image.
“Comparing your body to these distorted images can make you feel bad about your body. After seeing individuals on the screen that look like that, it can be harder to feel comfortable with the way your body naturally is”
You can follow this up with questions about their own experiences. Have you ever felt insecure about your body? Why?
High School Students: *Continuation of the above Middle School Answer with added references to teens’ personal, sexual experiences and rape.*
“Pornography is not a healthy model for your own future romantic or sexual relationships”
Teenagers are often just beginning to engage in romantic and sexual relationships. Therefore, they often become more conscious of their own and others’ bodies.
“Consuming these distorted bodies can be harmful to your future partner(s). If these attainable bodies are the ‘ideal,’ it will be challenging to be satisfied by your own or your partner’s body. You deserve to see yourself and your partners as natural, beautiful individuals versus thousands of altered images you’ve seen.”
The people in pornography videos are making porn, not love.
Talk more openly with your teen about the complexities of relationships and the deep emotions associated with the intimate act of sharing your body with someone. Ask them questions like:
How do you describe love?
How does love make you feel?
How do you see love being expressed in our family? Among your friends?
Do the images/videos you see reflect the love you described.
Emphasizing that the best sex is between individuals who love and care for each other can also help them to connect sex with love.
“Sex should be positive and wonderful”
Love and intimacy are special and require work, effort, and being considerate of both your own and your partner’s needs.”
“Pornography depicts a lot of violence against women”
Portraying women who enjoy or at least tolerate violence during sex perpetuates rape culture, or make people believe “women like to and want to be raped.”
Research shows that in pornography, female performers are likely to express pleasure when aggression is directed towards them. When we see this, we can unconsciously or consciously develop sexual scripts that involve coercive behavior.
Women are often portrayed as “collections of orifices, ready at any time for anything sexual men want and with no human or sexual needs of her own.”
This imagery can desensitize users’ sense of women’s shared humanity and make them more likely to prefer deviant, degrading, or dangerous sexual acts.
How do I ensure my tween and teen that their curiosity is normal without normalizing porn?
Middle School Students:
“Curiosity about bodies and sex is completely normal. Pornography is graphic and intended to capture your attention by depicting nudity, sexual behavior, and other sexual information like images, sounds, actions, and words. Unfortunately, pornography does not show people’s bodies in a respectful way, especially women.”
You can follow this up by:
Stating family values like,
“In this family we respect women.”
Share some statistics that make them understand how common exposure is, though this does not justify consumption and/or make it more ethical or respectful.
“Pornography is so prevalent that it can be harder for kids your age to avoid than it is to find.”
“Nearly all children are exposed before they enter high school.”
“1 in 10 visitors to porn sites are under the age of 10.”
“Peer pressure to use porn in middle school can be extremely high.”
“Even ‘good’ kids will be curious about pornography.”
High school Students: *Continuation of the above Middle School Answer with added references to teens’ often complex feelings about pornography.*
“Acknowledging the dangers of pornography, it is still common for pornography to elicit mixed feelings. You may be simultaneously grossed out or repulsed by the sexual acts you observe, or it might feel exciting.”
“This excitement is likely because pornography is new and unfamiliar to you. Novel things tend to capture our attention and elicit a biological response, a rush of dopamine to the brain, that makes the images feel more enjoyable and rewarding.”
What should I tell my child if they have been exposed to pornography from a sibling, friend, or another child?
All students:
Talking about pornography early can prepare your child for instances of unsolicited exposure. In addition to assuring your child that they can reach out to you to talk afterwards, it is important to identify strategies to deal with these situations without compromising their safety or social relationships.
Some strategies you can suggest:
If your child can text you, they can ask you to come to get them.
If they have to call you, it might be easier to have a pre-established phrase that means “please come get me I’m uncomfortable.”
You can also offer your child an excuse to avoid embarrassment: “Say you need to leave to go to the bathroom or do homework, suggest watching a different show/playing a different game, or text/call me to come to get you.”
Once the exposure has occurred and they have reached out for help, here are some ways to start talking:
Explain to your child that it is important to talk about their feelings about seeing explicit material (because they are often new and unfamiliar) as well as the content of the material to help you, the parent, understand what was seen and to calm their fears or anxieties. Expressing empathy can really help because pornography is an uncomfortable, scary, confusing, and/or embarrassing thing to talk about.
Ask them to explain the context of this exposure so that you can better understand their feelings. Did they see them at the bus stop? At a friend’s house? During a sleepover?
“Who showed you these images?”
“Where did they show them to you?”
“Was there an adult around that you could have asked for help?”
Second, ask them how those images made them feel. Assure them that “No one has the right to make you look at pictures or videos that make you feel uncomfortable.”
Should I monitor my child’s screen use?
Elementary School Students:
For children of this demographic, the literature suggests ensuring that appropriate filters are in place on all internet-enabled devices and that all adult content is appropriately contained both on your home devices and in homes your children regularly frequent.
Middle School Students:
Literature suggests that tweens should still be monitored, though it should be more of a collaborative effort.
Create a list of internet rules with your kids that is appropriate for your family.
Explain to your kids why you are installing filters on your home network and internet-enabled devices, or even why you limit or supervise your tween’s screen time.
“The internet has a lot of great things, but also a lot of not so great things.”
“For example, the internet is a great resource for your schoolwork, connecting with peers and sharing your experiences in written and artistic form.”
“Unfortunately, the internet connects to millions of people and not all of them are good.”
High School Students:
By high school age, teenagers should have the autonomy to decide how they engage with pornography. The best strategy is to not tell them what to do, but instead help them be responsible consumers.
Ask them to interrogate their thoughts and feelings about pornography (perhaps mentioning the way it distorts bodies, disrespects women, and misrepresents the passionate, intimate act of sharing your body with someone).
Assure them they can come to you (or another trusted adult around) to debrief if they need to talk about what they saw or ever feel uncomfortable, upset, or confused.
Clarify your family’s rules and expectations when it comes to media and internet use at home to avoid conflict
Remind them to be discreet about their usage by erasing browser histories and avoiding malware
Remind them to never send or share explicit pictures of themselves or others
If I choose to monitor my child’s screen use, what apps are out there?
All ages:
Covenant Eyes; Cyber Sitter; K9 Web Protection; Net Nanny; OpenDNS; OurPact; Pure Sight; Safe Eyes; SaferKid; Total Net Guard; Web Watcher; and xBlock.
Post in the comments below if we didn’t answer any of your burning questions! We will do our best to promptly respond to requests.