Talking to Kids About Love


Many adults can feel uncertain about facilitating conversations with children about love because of the diversity of values and experiences related to the topic, and because of fear of not knowing how to respond to difficult questions or comments. While this fear is understandable, it often prevents educators from addressing issues before something goes wrong—and robs students of the opportunity to develop the skills and perspectives required for healthy, peaceful, and satisfying relationships as students, and ultimately, adults.  By keeping the conversation focused on general attitudes, assumptions, and practices that young people might learn about love and romantic relationships from the media and wider society—rather than technical aspects of physical intimacy—most adults should be able to comfortably and effectively facilitate a discussion that will be meaningful and rewarding. 

Relation-Shift created the “What is Love” curriculum (found under “Our Curriculum”) to offer students the opportunity to think critically about romantic love and healthy relationships by analyzing the beliefs and attitudes they hold as well as practices they’ve observed amongst their parents, peers, media, and wider society. In order to do so, we hope you can create a safe space for your students to feel comfortable self-reflecting and then sharing their personal experiences, expectations, or lessons learned about being in love with their peers. 

If you are interested in learning more, our curriculum sets these six objectives:

  • Normalize and emphasize the importance of critical dialogue about love and healthy relationships 

  • Compare students’ expectations set in friendships with expectations set in romantic relationships 

  • Help students identify qualities and behaviors characteristic of healthy relationships and a healthy partner. Compare and contrast these with unhealthy qualities and behaviors. 

  • Understand how our experiences shape our expectations about romantic love by identifying examples of both healthy and unhealthy relationships in our own lives (personal, parental, peer) and media (celebrities, books, tv shows, movies)

  • Identify healthy skills and behaviors to cultivate in relationships moving forward and strategize ways to build relationships they want. 

  • Offer students access to resources they can use to assess the quality of their relationships; address specific issues they may identify; or help them recover from abusive relationships. 

Even if you are not able to check out our curriculum, here are some key takeaways to think about in regards to your own children:

  • Love is a really important part of our lives and it deserves our attention; this includes queer love. 

  • Youth should learn more about when love goes ‘right’ rather than focusing on when it goes ‘wrong’ (e.g., sexual assault, unintended pregnancy) 

  • Assure students that they don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to be happy or whole. Though if they choose to be in a relationship, it should make them feel great (e.g., more self-respecting, respectful, hopeful, caring, and generous). 

  • Healthy relationships are characterized by a comfortable pace, trust, honesty, independence, respect, equality, compassion, taking responsibility, loyalty, and communication. 

  • Some skills students can work to develop or hone include honest communication, collaborative problem solving, compromise, emotion regulation, balance, taking responsibility, setting boundaries, self-love, and perspective-taking. 

  • Media fundamentally shapes our expectations about romantic relationships and we should take the time to evaluate how they align with the beliefs, attitudes, and values we actually hold about our current relationships as well as the ones we hope to cultivate moving forward.

If you want to have any conversation with your children about love, sex, or healthy relationships, we have some specific tips to consider that may be helpful as you prepare:

  • Humanize both yourself and the issue

    • Talking about love with students is often uncharted territory, so to break the ice you can acknowledge your own discomfort or trepidation. You may even want to share your own personal  experiences that helped you develop your value system and expectations about romantic relationships. This honest, open communication can break the ‘fourth wall’ between the ‘adult’ and ‘kid world,’ humanizing you and the issue at hand. Youth can begin to see that you were once young too and feel more comfortable opening up.

  • Invite an open and engaging dialogue 

    • As mentioned above, it can be really helpful to share how your perspective on love has changed over the years to demonstrate your own vulnerability and willingness to learn and listen. In the same breath, try not to convince youth to accept your own viewpoint as “truth.” Unless they express violent, misogynistic, or intolerant sentiments, do not cast judgement—positive or negative—when youth share their thoughts. 

  • Take a stand against violence, prejudice, and misogyny 

    • Make it clear that interpersonal violence and abuse are not only unacceptable—they’re illegal and punishable by law. 

  • Challenge youth to think beyond cliches; ask them to think critically about why they think what they think. 

  • Focus on attitudes, beliefs, and general practices of healthy relationships vs. the technical aspects of sexual relationships 

    • While education about the technical aspects of physical intimacy is a critical component for young people’s learning, focusing on the relational dynamics of romantic love versus the mechanics of sex may be an easier conversation to start with. Limiting the conversation in this way can help you feel prepared for what comes up and you aren’t put in the position to teach sex ed without being ready.

  • Get help when you need it 

    • Out of your knowledge zone? Did a child express anxiety, fear, harm, or disclose past or current trauma or abuse? Assure them that it is not their fault and immediately connect them with a psychologist, counselor, school administrator, or someone with formal experience to address the issue. 

    • See the resources below for more information. 

  • For educators specifically: Be sensitive to diverse needs; not all students will want to share their personal experiences in a public forum like a class full of their peers. 

    • Recognize that some children may be victims of interpersonal violence and abuse, or may witness trauma at home.

    • Some students may be exploring their own sexuality and identity, or may not feel comfortable discussing these issues as readily as others. 

When facilitating a conversation about romantic love, clarifying these terms may be helpful:

  • Love: 

    • Characterized by romantic, sexual, physical, emotional, and intellectual connections. Partners offer each other emotional (companionship) and practical (e.g., advice/information) support.  

    • 3 Main Elements of Love: 

      • Attachment: you seek care, approval, and physical contact with another person 

      • Caring: you value the other person’s needs and happiness as much as your own

      • Intimacy: you share your thoughts, desires, and feelings openly with another person

    • 2 Types of Love: With time, passionate love becomes compassionate love

      • Passionate love (first 6-30 months of a relationship) characterized by intense emotions, sexual attraction, and anxiety. 

      • Compassionate love is characterized by mutual respect, attachment, affection, trust, security, and stability. 

  • Infatuation vs. Love: 

    • Infatuation is also referred to as “love at first sight” and is characterized by immediate, intense, and often short lived feelings for someone who you may or may not be officially dating. 

    • Some unhealthy patterns of behavior that some may experience: 

      • Obsessive or intrusive thoughts: one may find it hard to think of anything but the other person (e.g., replaying brief encounters over in one’s head; preoccupied by the idea of them)

      • Idolization/Idealization: one may put their love interest on a pedestal and see them through “rose colored glasses” as who they imagine them to be versus who they really are 

      • Fast feelings/projection: one’s feelings are disproportionate to what they know about someone or they set high expectations of their partner despite limited experience with them 

  • Lust vs. Love: 

    • Lust is characterized by intense, often short lived sexual attraction due to someone else’s external physical appearance 

    • Lust is distinct from love because:

      •  One favors external traits versus internal traits like their emotional, intellectual, and romantic compatibility

      • Relationships held together by lust do not often last when hardships arise, flaws are revealed, vulnerability is requested, excitement or novelty wanes, or needs are not met immediately. 

      • Lust feels more impulsive, obsessive, and desperate versus safe and secure

    • Lust can be the first stage leading to love:

      •  Intense sexual attraction may be the thing that initially draws us to a particular person and can evolve into love with intentionality

      •  Lust also activates similar neural pathways in the brain as love, specifically ones involved in the view of self, goal-directed behavior, happiness, reward, and addiction. 

If you want to learn more, check out these organizations for more resources:

QUIZZES

For teens: 

ORGANIZATIONS TO CHECK OUT:

For teens: 

For educators: